One-Sided Conversations With Imaginary Drivers

“Oh! Hi there! Glad I caught up with you. Listen! If you don’t want me biking in your lane, please feel free to call the city and petition for a bike lane on this street. It’s really up to all of us to make this a great place for everyone to live. Thanks! Share the road!”

“Oh cool! Now you’re honking at me because there are too many oncoming cars for you to pass. Sorry! There’s no bike lane here. Where do you want me to go? On the sidewalk? Think what that would be like for pedestrians. It would be like if you had to drive in the same lane as a bullet train. Just share the road.”

“Oh great! Yeah! Park right there. Right there in the bike lane, literally next to a sign that says ‘No Standing Any Time.’ I remember my first visit to New York City, I was in high school, I’d never seen a ‘No Standing’ sign. We don’t have those in the suburb of Seattle where I grew up. I thought it was so funny! How could a taxi be STANDING?! Hahaha. Get out of the bike lane.”

“Oh yes, please, go right ahead, pull out in front of me. I know you’re in a hurry, and waiting for one little cyclist to pass will throw off your whole day. Don’t worry about me, risking getting rear-ended by the car following too close behind me — I’ll be fine, I mean, after all, I have all of this absolutely nothing to protect me in case of an accident! You, on the other hand, you have places to be! People to see! Other cars to cut off! So again, please, don’t let me hold you up. You go, you!”

“Oh my god. Get off your cell phone. Driving with a cell phone makes you literally more impaired than driving drunk. Do you want me to die? Is that what you want? You want me splayed out on the concrete with brains outside instead of in where they belong? Is this about that one time I counted out exact change in the Whole Foods checkout line? COME ON. I had so many nickels!”

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